Thankful. To a few people
Bimbos: XiaoYuan for actually slapping me awake and giving me great advices. She explained and analyzed the situation to me, ever so patiently and painstakingly and most important of all, she got me pour all my sorrows and suffered the wrath of my depression. I cried, for days and weeks, crying myself to sleep and crying myself awake. I was such a mess. But she was there, supportive like a pillar and concerned like an angel, she saved me. She stopped me from being a pest, being silly and dishing me out of the shithole before i screwed up too bad. I don’t know if she meant it, if she said i would heal in time, but she never judged me so i can’t be any more thankful for a true friend like that. Jiahui for sending me texts when i am suicidal, reminding me the presence of God and that life is much more than being emotional. She also put in effort to help me out of this, providing me logical support and giving me the best spiritual support. Athar and Chanel though overseas, they are still concerned and left me messages, cheering me up and comforting me, making me promise to not cut myself if not they will come after me hahaha. I’m sorry, actually i did. But i got it healed, except i probably can’t do a tattoo in the near future.
Meiqin: for just being there, distracting me, and providing me company at work as well as being excited over our tokyo trip. I think it helps to have a lil distraction, to have a friend whom you can just hang out and not being reminded of your past.
Sarah: for sending me a good read. Though she is miles away, her concern warmed my heart almost immediately and her simple encouragement made sense. Always my bff <3
Yihao: for trying to cheer me up (: I know i am really busy and always neglect you, thank you for putting up with my phantom-like behavior. Thanks for understanding my need to be alone and hiding and escaping from reality.
Ham: for putting up with my nonsense, drying buckets of my tears and making me laugh when i am bawling like an ugly doll. Thanks for including me in activities, attempting to distract me and widening my social circle. Also, thanks for pampering me with treats and letting me know you’re always a call away if i ever feel like i am spinning out of control. You got my back, calmed me down when i am raging and when i am emotionally unstable. Thank you.
Glenn: for remembering your sis from Europe (: Dropping me a text occasionally when i am all down and out. It really matters to me you know. And yes, meet up soon! Jio me when you guys are supper-ing. Really miss hanging out with normal (or not) people hahaha!
JiaHong, Cousin and other random friends who dropped me texts of concern: Thank you all so much. I am happy to be remembered (: And of course, i will treat ya’ll better in time to come. Because all of you matter so so much to me.
And of course, the ex: for pushing me away, making me feel ever so insignificant. I guess its just your overwhelming logic that overrules your heart, making it stone cold. You know the irony? Your logical, rational stance was what i fell for. You were just this amazingly decisive guy with so much drive and energy for life, and that made me love you so so much. But it is this same decisiveness that killed me and shut me out. I can’t decide if i hate you or not, i guess not, because i can’t bring myself to hate someone i loved the most. But for sure, you are the person i have to thank the most. If not for your wake up call, i would still have been dwelling in some sort of pathetic misery. Or the way you put it “immature senseless fucked up” kinda piece of shit, along these lines okay those words were not exactly any less crude oh pardon me. You once told me, i would be the “last girl you would date and just wait and see”. A few months later, you tell me to “watch and see you get a new girl”. Uh… okay, i guess. What and how am i supposed to react to that?
I guess all in all, i am confused. Confused by your underlying motives, confused by your words and what you actually meant to say. I believe you are not a bad person. You are a great guy with a great heart (: You always will be! Wishing you happiness with the next girl. I am sure she deserves you more because she would definitely be more mature than me haha oh well sucks to be me.
But thanks anyway, that got me trying. Trying very hard to gather whatever is left of me and stand on my feet again. Not easy, because i foresee myself lapsing into … some kind of a phailwhale moment sometimes but of course i will exercise utmost restraint (not like i have a choice anyway). I want to be beautiful again. I want to be perfect again. I want to be MORE than the girl you fell for. I want to be nice and sweet and happy again! Maybe that will change your mind about all the insults you’ve hurled just to shoo me away (and benefit of doubt, i think you did that for my own good. not because you really mean it that way.) Maybe that will make you turn around and look at a sparkling me in a different light. Shall not be that limping ghastly figure :3 I can’t even bear to imagine myself like that, how can sparklefluff, not sparkle!? hell yeah!
So thank you (: Because of you, i will be stronger. Because of those hurtful words, i will grow up and become better - less immature, less senseless, less fucked up (pardon me again). For sure, i will be happier in time to come.
I keep remembering one of my Guru’s teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.
Based at the Underwater Stage, Pinewood Studios, Phoebe specialises in behind-the-scenes underwater stills and video for feature film, TV and commercials.
Seemingly so (:
Never will change that (:
Still do. But life goes on, you said. Love moved on, you said. Fucking senseless piece of immature shit, you said. Okay, whatever you say.
you know, as if i don’t already have no time on my hands, i shall take the extra effort to learn something fun and exciting, beautiful and sexy. Just to become a stronger, better me (:
yep! (:
aye aye captain. Tokyo Rockin’ - first of all adventures (:
Love candid/special wedding photos like this (:
true story. but what can you do when he’s all out to kill you?
